Thursday, December 10, 2009

No Cheer This Holiday Season

By General Daniel Velasquez, editor-in-chief

There won’t be much cheer for dictators this holiday season. 2009 has not been a good year for us, what with all the peace deals and UN busybodies snooping about. And don’t get me started on the recent war crimes trial of comrade Radovan Karadzik. For shame! The thought that such a powerful man(iac) could be treated with such disrespect makes me want to invade something.

Sadly, I can’t do that however, because I am still a dictator-without-a-country. This is now my second year in exile after those bastards in the military overthrew me. Luckily I escaped on my private jet before they could string me up, but I have no regrets. I have to admit I still get teary-eyed thinking back to that fateful morning when I sat on my veranda, sipping my morning coffee while watching the troops storm the gates, take out my personal body guards, and commandeer my Rolls-Royce and PlayStation. It just shows I trained them well. They overthrew the capital with such precision and professionalism that I can hold my head up high and say ‘Yes, those boys who are now my enemies did their jobs well.’ Oh well, can’t complain. I have my stash of riches and mistresses and will one day return to power. The plot continues, as we like to joke!

I’m not a religious man but Christmas is always a happy time for me. How can it not be when as dictator all my underlings were under strict orders to give me presents and praise. One year, a minister in my government gave me his wife. Seriously! Oh, how we laughed. Maybe I shouldn’t have had him shot. He was my brother after all. But hey, one of the hallmarks of being a ruler is our unpredictability.

But 2009 wasn’t all bad. I had some Hollywood producers contact me for the rights to my life story. Seems that the Che Guevara gravy train has run dry and they’re looking for the next charismatic revolutionary to put on a t-shirt. They weren’t phased at all when I told them that I used to adopt African babies so that my real kids would learn some gratitude and quit crying about the beatings. Said it would make a great celluloid moment a la “Mommie Dearest.”

Read what the dictators read:

US shuts down Radio-Free North Korea!

Radio Free North Korea has been shut down by imperialist American dogs, says a source inside the studio. “Some reports say we were shut down because of power cuts.,” he said. “Wrong! That is American propaganda!!! Is very simple, our host ate the microphone. It is not his fault. In his delirious state he thought it was ice cream cone. It will take 6 weeks before we can get a new one … I know, I know. Japan is so close, couldn’t be just send over a squad of special forces and steal one from a store? If I had a penny for every time I heard that … It’s not so simple. We need a boat for starters.”

What’s inside your European Carry-all?

General Hassim: 'Use my good side'

Profile: Iranian general Hassim Asgharivan never goes far without his sunscreen and lotion.

“I use Pantene Lavish Looks to keep the dry desert air from clogging my pours. When I hit the beach, I always put on Junior Sun Block lotion because I love to lay back and enjoy the weather, the barbecues, the feeling of sand between my toes and watching my beautiful young daughter frolic in the ocean … I killed her hamster so I kind of owe her a ‘fun’ day.”


Congrats to Bobby M. for hitting the number one spot in 2009’s Best Dictator category, proving once again that just because you lose an election and are forced to share power with your enemies in a ‘national unity’ government is no reason to stop trying to be the best you can be! We asked what was in store for 2010 and he was coy as usual, saying only that the money will continue to flow for whoever supports him (nudge nudge, wink wink). Way to go, Bobby!

And how about my old bowling partner Omar Al-Bashir for moving up to number 2 spot. ‘The Bash’ as we like to call him (don’t EVER call him ‘Omo’ or he will give you a one-way ticket to Darfur) is the glorious leader of Sudan, who has smartly used an arrest warrant from the International Criminal Court to spin his way up the rankings. The ICC. Bah! Should be called the IC-not!


HUGE SALE! Limited time only get previously enjoyed headless-Lenin statues. Just plop your own head on top and you’ve got an instant statue in your honour! Great for plazas, Buy from me, Crazy Ivan – I won’t be undersold!!!

M4W, handsome death squad leader seeks female for good times, invasions of beaches, must like bunkers. Serious enquiries only please. Sorry, can’t meet in public.

For sale, 12 tanks. Good condition, need tracts, paint job (No manual but big red button is self-explanatory). Any reasonable offer considered as these tanks have terrible karma.

123passports. Buy 10 and get a free working visa for Albania! (will also work in Alabama)

Mercenaries Wanted: Just make your way to Afghanistan and join the first American or Taliban training camp you find. Guaranteed employment until death.


Grab this limited edition 24′ x 10′ mural for your war room now! Call for members only price.